Tumor Cure in 72 easy steps.
Before I tell you how I cured my tumor, let me tell you about my weigh in on Thursday. The last two weeks have been pretty crap for me, in terms of both diet and exercise. I stopped writing things down, I ate ice cream (diet ice cream, but still) bars for dinner, and I only ran three times in the last two weeks. The scale wasn't budging (surprise?) and it just felt like, well, I'M not going to do everything right if the scale won't move. (Let me say that it is tough to negotiate with inanimate objects).
So, Thursday morning before I went for my 5 mile prep run (my third run in two weeks, and in anticipation of a 6.2 mile run I'm doing TOMORROW!), I stepped on the scale so I wouldn't be disappointed when the scale at WW read the same as two weeks ago or even had me gain a little. And, I'd dropped to 184!
I was happy, but I didn't trust that number, so I was still holding my breath when I stepped on the scales at WW at lunch on Thursday. They weighed me in at 190.4, a 3.6 LOSS from two weeks ago!!
People, do you realize this means that I only have 25 pounds to lose to be at a "normal" BMI?????
How sweet is that!
***********************************************
How to Cure Tumors is 72 Easy Steps.
1. Get your one year lab work drawn by a lab tech who has to look up how to draw blood in a book, asks the neighboring lab tech about how to avoid sticking yourself with a used needle, is wearing extra large rubber gloves because the lab is out of smalls, and must draw THIRTEEN vials of blood, because the lab is also out of regular sized vials, so they are using preemie vials (small, small tubes, anyway).
2. Go to your one year check up appointment. Get the all clear (and an 'official' 135 pound weight loss), but learn they haven't recieved the labs yet.
3. Forget about labs.
4. Remember labs, but forget to call the Doctor's office.
5. Remember labs, remember to call Doctor's office, but forget they are closed on Thursdays.
6. Leave a message with the service.
7. Remember that you've never had anyone return your call EVER when you leave a message with the service, even when you were having kidney stones and were sure you were dying and ending up going into the emergency room.
8. Wait until Friday, when doctor's office is open.
9. Remind yourself to call doctor's office when you wake up.
10. Forget that you reminded yourself.
11. Read a WLS blog and remember!
12. Call your doctor.
13. Get put on hold.
14. Give them your fax number.
15. Forget to pick up the fax.
16. Have a coworker bring you the fax that has been languishing at the fax machine.
17. Read the fax.
18. Google labresults.com so you understand what the heck the fax is saying.
19. Get to last page of fax.
20. See that something labeled PTH, Intact is flagged as HIGH.
21. Google PTH.
22. Learn it stands for Parathyroid Hormone, which regulates the calcium in your body.
23. Learn that you must read PTH with Calcium levels.
24. Frantically flip through fax looking for calcium levels.
25. Calcium levels are normal.
26. Read if calcium levels are normal, but PTH is elevated, you probably have a TUMOR of the parathyroid gland.
27. FREAK OUT.
28. Google PTH and read about hyperparathyroidism (elevated PTH levels) on:
29. National Institutes of Health
30. Web MD
31. Renal FAILURE web site??!?
32. Labresults.com
33. Wikipedia.
34. Continue to freak out.
35. Call Dr's office.
36. Get Machine.
37. Hang Up.
38. One Minute Later. Redial. Machine. Hangup.
39. Wait two minutes. Redial. Machine. Hangup.
40. Read more websites.
41. Tell your coworker you can't talk right now because you have a TUMOR and your doctor won't answer the phone.
42. Call your dad.
43. Tell Dad to tell you to calm down.
44. Tell Dad you have a tumor.
45. Scowl at phone with Dad laughing.
46. Listen to Dad ask if you've left a message for Dr.
47. Reply with emphatic No. You want to talk to Dr. NOW, not leave stupid message. You have a TUMOR.
48. Dad puts you on hold. ON HOLD. YOU! With a TUMOR.
49. Dad takes you off hold. Tells you to call Dr. and leave a message.
50. Hang up with Dad.
51. Call Dr.
52. Dr.'s office answers!
53. BUT, everyone is with patients. Would you like to leave a message?
54. Think NO. Say yes.
55. Get put on hold.
56. Start giving a message. Message includes name, phone number, and how someone MUST call me today to tell me to stop "freaking out" about elevated PTH levels and tumor.
57. Get put on hold.
58. Dr. answers phone.
59. Tell Dr. you have elevated PTH and therefore a tumor.
60. Have Dr. tell you that you are a crazy loony-tunes. PTH level only a "little" elevated. Calcium level fine, so nothing to worry about.
61. Ask how certain I don't have to worry? Am already worried. Googled tumor.
62. Have Dr. say 100% certain. If two tests come back with high PTH, maybe worry. One test, don't worry.
63. Ask him if he's sure.
64. Hear him sigh (and feel him silently thank god that it is Friday).
65. He's VERY SURE. Everything is Ok.
66. Ask what I should do now. To mitigate tumor.
67. He says, there is no tumor. Do nothing. Keep following plan.
68. Say ok, sigh, thank him (in a rather tumor-free chipper voice). Hang up.
69. Call Dad back.
70. Tell him you've been cured of tumor.
71. Tell coworkers you had a tumor for a half hour, but everything is ok now.
72. Publish tumor cure on internet.
And, that, kids, is how it is done. :)
So, Thursday morning before I went for my 5 mile prep run (my third run in two weeks, and in anticipation of a 6.2 mile run I'm doing TOMORROW!), I stepped on the scale so I wouldn't be disappointed when the scale at WW read the same as two weeks ago or even had me gain a little. And, I'd dropped to 184!
I was happy, but I didn't trust that number, so I was still holding my breath when I stepped on the scales at WW at lunch on Thursday. They weighed me in at 190.4, a 3.6 LOSS from two weeks ago!!
People, do you realize this means that I only have 25 pounds to lose to be at a "normal" BMI?????
How sweet is that!
***********************************************
How to Cure Tumors is 72 Easy Steps.
1. Get your one year lab work drawn by a lab tech who has to look up how to draw blood in a book, asks the neighboring lab tech about how to avoid sticking yourself with a used needle, is wearing extra large rubber gloves because the lab is out of smalls, and must draw THIRTEEN vials of blood, because the lab is also out of regular sized vials, so they are using preemie vials (small, small tubes, anyway).
2. Go to your one year check up appointment. Get the all clear (and an 'official' 135 pound weight loss), but learn they haven't recieved the labs yet.
3. Forget about labs.
4. Remember labs, but forget to call the Doctor's office.
5. Remember labs, remember to call Doctor's office, but forget they are closed on Thursdays.
6. Leave a message with the service.
7. Remember that you've never had anyone return your call EVER when you leave a message with the service, even when you were having kidney stones and were sure you were dying and ending up going into the emergency room.
8. Wait until Friday, when doctor's office is open.
9. Remind yourself to call doctor's office when you wake up.
10. Forget that you reminded yourself.
11. Read a WLS blog and remember!
12. Call your doctor.
13. Get put on hold.
14. Give them your fax number.
15. Forget to pick up the fax.
16. Have a coworker bring you the fax that has been languishing at the fax machine.
17. Read the fax.
18. Google labresults.com so you understand what the heck the fax is saying.
19. Get to last page of fax.
20. See that something labeled PTH, Intact is flagged as HIGH.
21. Google PTH.
22. Learn it stands for Parathyroid Hormone, which regulates the calcium in your body.
23. Learn that you must read PTH with Calcium levels.
24. Frantically flip through fax looking for calcium levels.
25. Calcium levels are normal.
26. Read if calcium levels are normal, but PTH is elevated, you probably have a TUMOR of the parathyroid gland.
27. FREAK OUT.
28. Google PTH and read about hyperparathyroidism (elevated PTH levels) on:
29. National Institutes of Health
30. Web MD
31. Renal FAILURE web site??!?
32. Labresults.com
33. Wikipedia.
34. Continue to freak out.
35. Call Dr's office.
36. Get Machine.
37. Hang Up.
38. One Minute Later. Redial. Machine. Hangup.
39. Wait two minutes. Redial. Machine. Hangup.
40. Read more websites.
41. Tell your coworker you can't talk right now because you have a TUMOR and your doctor won't answer the phone.
42. Call your dad.
43. Tell Dad to tell you to calm down.
44. Tell Dad you have a tumor.
45. Scowl at phone with Dad laughing.
46. Listen to Dad ask if you've left a message for Dr.
47. Reply with emphatic No. You want to talk to Dr. NOW, not leave stupid message. You have a TUMOR.
48. Dad puts you on hold. ON HOLD. YOU! With a TUMOR.
49. Dad takes you off hold. Tells you to call Dr. and leave a message.
50. Hang up with Dad.
51. Call Dr.
52. Dr.'s office answers!
53. BUT, everyone is with patients. Would you like to leave a message?
54. Think NO. Say yes.
55. Get put on hold.
56. Start giving a message. Message includes name, phone number, and how someone MUST call me today to tell me to stop "freaking out" about elevated PTH levels and tumor.
57. Get put on hold.
58. Dr. answers phone.
59. Tell Dr. you have elevated PTH and therefore a tumor.
60. Have Dr. tell you that you are a crazy loony-tunes. PTH level only a "little" elevated. Calcium level fine, so nothing to worry about.
61. Ask how certain I don't have to worry? Am already worried. Googled tumor.
62. Have Dr. say 100% certain. If two tests come back with high PTH, maybe worry. One test, don't worry.
63. Ask him if he's sure.
64. Hear him sigh (and feel him silently thank god that it is Friday).
65. He's VERY SURE. Everything is Ok.
66. Ask what I should do now. To mitigate tumor.
67. He says, there is no tumor. Do nothing. Keep following plan.
68. Say ok, sigh, thank him (in a rather tumor-free chipper voice). Hang up.
69. Call Dad back.
70. Tell him you've been cured of tumor.
71. Tell coworkers you had a tumor for a half hour, but everything is ok now.
72. Publish tumor cure on internet.
And, that, kids, is how it is done. :)
posted by Jaime at
3:13 PM
|
1 comments
