Pull this thread as I walk away...

Ever had a overachieving zit? The kind of zit that really shouldn't even be called a zit, but have some special, painful shuddery name like "Pus Mountain of Doom." A super-zit can only ascend (descend?) to doom-dom when it is has achieved the following trifecta:

1. Pain. If you don't feel the zit from the moment you wake up until the moment you go to bed, you don't have a superzit. Looking at it should be painful. Touching it should be excruciating. Trying to pop the thing should bring back fond memories of dental surgery without anestetic. Or, as Cary Elwes said best, "To the pain . . .It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery, forever."
2. Size. In two ways. First, it must be big--involving multiple pores and rivaling your front teeth for prominence. Second, it must be, uh, tall? It 's not so much that it's sooo big, but that it's the first thing that passes through the door, with the rest of your face trailing behind.
   
3. Location. A superzit can't be in some easy to conceal location like your upper thigh or on your shoulder. A superzit must be conspiciously located so as to draw maximum attention, which is to say located on your face. Bonus points if it is in a really painful area of your face to get a zit, like just inside your nostril (but still red and big enough to garner attention from your helpful coworkers giving you the discrete 'wipe your nose' gesture in the staff meeting).

Yeah. I haven't had one of those either. I was just sayin'.

Mums.

Firstly, Happy Mum's Day to all the moms out there. I am not a mom, but I do have a son.

Wruh?

D-dub, as I'll call him, is a senior in High School that I met while teaching pre college courses at his school. Let's back up a bit more. I have been a teacher, but in the non-traditional sense, for the last six years. Part of what really attracts me to teaching is the ability to help shape kid's lives--to open their minds to all the amazing experiences and ideas that are in the world (and not just the stuff they see in their own neighborhood or their own state, especially the red states). Because some the best parts of teaching are the mentoring parts, I have often thought of signing up for Big Brother/Big Sister (BBBS) and having the chance to really mentor a child for an extended period of time. The problem with BBBS, ok with ME, is that the program seemed sooo time consuming and difficult and every time I looked into it, I talked myself back out of trying it because nothing would be worse that signing up to be a BBBS and then slacking off or skipping out and then what are you teaching the child and thank you very much for ruiining their life even more, now they are addicted to crack, are you happy, you narssisstic freak (take a breath, Jem). So, BBBS always shot down.

Here's the thing, though. When you make a connection with a kid--when you seem to inherently understand their vunerabilities, when you know from the center of your heart that you could, YOU could be the one that motivates the child to take that road less traveled, how can you not help? This is what happened with D-dub. He went from being a part of my after school SAT class, to staying later to play in scrabble tournaments (building vocabulary--Ha! kids, betcha didn't figure that out!), help clean up the classroom, and generally doing any and everything to just hang out longer at school. Fortunately, for D-dub, his story isn't one of abuse, but one of neglect. He was desperate to feel wanted, necessary, important, smart, useful.

In the last six months, a lot has changed in d-dub's life. His grades have gone from straight F's to B's and C's (even an A!), he's been accepted into college, he's gotten valuable validation and experience as an intern with my company, he's successfully interviewed and gotten his first "real" job, and he's been to not just one, but two NBA games. I've gotten the phone calls at 2am when he's stuck on the wrong side of town without a way home, at 7am when he needs a ride to school and doesn't have bus money. I've praised and yelled and rewarded and punished. I've spent scads of money on essentials like glasses, bus fare and food (and boy, do teenage boys like to eat!) as well as nonessentials like movies, video games, candy, and food (see above), and have spent probably 10x the amount of time that would've been required of me at BBBS.

I now worry every time I hear a news report about gunshots or gang violence in d-dub's neighborhood. I've edited essays, researched African American civil rights leaders, created a plant cell diarama (helped create, I swear!), and now know more about Jay-Z and Nas' "beef" than I ever needed to know (in case you are quizzed, Jay-Z is the man, Nas is a hater; we love the Cowboys and hate the 'Skins; we root for Syracuse and the Kings, and, generally speaking, orange and blue are key colors for anything - clothes, shoes, candy, pencils...). I sleep with my phone and I always answer it in the morning (although it better be important!).

Some days, it feels effortless: interactions are light and fun. Others days it's frustrating, and worse, scary. Sometimes, his gratitude is immediate and effusive; other times, I'm tripping and bugging and why can't I just chill? On those days, I always imagine a day five years from now, when D is graduated and happy and healthy and self-sufficient. That day can't happen unless the bad day today happens.

For some of you, all of this is obvious, maybe even trite. But to me, it's all new and fresh and crazy--I'm just 28. I have no business having an 18 year old son. And certainly no real parenting experience (cousins, siblings, and babysitting notwithstanding). I've learned just as much about myself from this experience as I have imparted knowledge. It's been just amazing.

Even so, when the phone rang early this morning, I was prepared for angst in some form. I saw his number on caller ID and answered gruffer than my more voice required, to emphasize my still-in-bed-and-want-to-keep-sleeping-keep-it-quick status.

A cheery D-dub responds, "Happy Mother's Day!"

Today, for the first time, without the pain of child birth, or daily agony of diaper changes, colic, and spit ups, I am somebody's Mother.

Seriously, I am!

So I'm really going to begin this journal. blog. Whatever. Actually, I don't give a shit what it's called so long as my mother never ever finds out about it. Wait. Can I change the font on this thing?

How about this? ewww. Way too big (ha- just wait, that'll be a funny pun by the end of this post!) Seriously, you can probably skip this part. I'll get my act together shortly. This is the same as the first font, isn't it? This is too normal. Oh, god. I'm a robot. Oh, yeah. This is the one. (It's called Trebuchet, if you care).

Ok. Why am I doing this? I'm sure all the gory details will come out eventually in this site, but I'd rather start in the present. Which is to say on the toilet. I've ordered Dominos tonight, a cheeseburger pizza (part because it's on special, part because my son made me order one last week and eat a piece and it was good, but not at all because that wanker Trump was hawking it all over television). Medium, if you must know. So I'm eating, I'm watching television, and six pieces in, I get a strong urge to barf. So, I stop eating, I keep watching Num3ers, and an hour or so later, the urge to barf has successfully morphed into the desperate urge to take a painful dump. Flash to bathroom. Crossword book in hand, I twelve-across my way through the worst of it. So far, you are with me right? We've all suffered gastro-intestinal pain, and you know from whence I came, right? So let's move right into the shame. The shame is that after my Domino's is delivered for the second time tonight, my little ritual begins. Grab the toilet paper. A LOT of it, because I want maximum coverage here. Grab the wall next the toilet & twist around (like an oblique exercise). Brace my elbow on the toilet tank, and use the combo of the tank and the wall as leverage to get my hand close enough to my asshole and wipe myself.

There's a huge portion of the population, even in America, who are both disgusted and a little confused by that last paragraph. But even sadder is that there is a goodly chunk of the population that knows what I am talking about. That daily performs what I am talking about. Why? Literally, because my ass (and theirs) are that big.

Q: Where does a 300 pound gorilla sleep?
A: Anywhere he wants!

Typing that joke results in a bit of cognitive dissonance. I mean on the one hand, ha. On the other, uh, I weigh more than a 300 pound gorilla [or a 300 pound anything for that matter.] And I don't sleep anywhere I want-- see exhibit a: freakish preoccupation with falling asleep anywhere, lest anyone be subject to my outrageous snoring. See also exhibit b: in which neither angelina jolie nor chris bridges are knocking down my door, to say nothing of real, live prospective partnets.

This site is going to be dedicated to my ramblings on life, weight & loss, and whatever the hell else I want to right about. Welcome.

My Favorite Quotes

I'll keep adding quotes here as I can upload them... (I don't take the photos, I pick the quote and the photo and make the design).

About Me

Well first, you should know that there is no Jem Welsh. The name is actually an alias I created so I could feel secure writing about this intensely personal struggle (that quite frankly, I'm ashamed to discuss in most of my "real life" relationships) without being "found out" by google master friends, family, coworkers, or you know, stalkers. :) I am pretty free with my photograph because I don't think there is anyway civilians can search the web using face recognition software just to find my silly little blog. For the purposes of this blog (and really, for the purposes of my weight loss struggle in general), my name is Jem.

I was born in Flint Michigan in 1976 to an air traffic controller father (who was later fired by Ronald Reagan during the infamous controller strike of 1980) and a stay at home mom. I have one biological brother, who is three years younger than me and has been married for two years to a great girl he met in college. Growing up, I was the "smart" one and he was the "athletic" one. I think we still pretty much play to those roles today, although he is pretty bright and I'm now learning to be pretty athletic!

I grew up in three cities in Western Michigan: Kalamazoo (0 - 5, college), Grant (5 - 4th grade), and Grand Rapids (5th grade - college). I graduated from an elite public school system just outside of the Grand Rapids city limits--94% of graduates attended college, and a large number were funnelled directly into Ivy League schools. My parents separated my senior year of high school, and subsequently divorced. They are both remarried to wonderful people, and I now have a step-brother who is 15 and a step-sister who is 11.

I attended and graduated from Western Michigan University with a bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice and a minor in Writing (Although I took a year off my Junior year to build houses to replace those demolished by Hurricane Andrew in Miami Florida with Americorp and Habitat for Humanity). After a two year hiatus which involved a tour of Europe, teaching, temping, waitressing, and "chilling with my homies", I moved to Washington DC to attend Georgetown Law School.

Law School was a harrowing experience, more due to my perpetual lack of money and the huge difference (both percieved and real) in social caste between myself and my "trust fund" peers than from the rigor of the academic work. I graduated in 2003 and began working for the Small Business Administration writing legislation.

Less than a year after graduation, my old boss at my part time teaching gig recruited me to help him start an international educational company that offers academic services to the underserved--low income, minority, and non-native English speakers, to name a few. I took a leap of faith, quit my job, and joined him. I'm now the Vice President of the company, which is shaping up to a regional (and eventually, a national) power player in the academic services market. I am self-described workaholic, although my job isn't just a paycheck for me, it's a passion.

In my spare time, I mentor two kids, a senior in High School and a freshman in college. I also created a "girls club" of female friends and friends of friends called the Crafty Beaches to help bring back some of the female frienship camaraderie that is lost as we grow further away from college and closer to spouses, careers, kids, and family. We get together once a month to eat snacks, drink wine, laugh, gossip, and oh, yeah, learn to do a craft! We've tackled jewelry making and sewing projects, and are currently enamored with knitting.

I also love to read and watch Alias & Oprah (I enjoy her magazine as well!). I'm single, although I live with two finicky "men", my cats B and E. I don't think I could live without travel--I've been to 16 countries (so far), and would like to visit at least ONE new country a year until I kick it (or until I run out of countries!). My favorite countries are Scotland and Italy, which are both romantic and breathtaking in their own ways, but I have to say that China is the hands-down best place to shop!

Although I've researched WLS seriously since 1999, including going through the pre-operative process once (and being denied by my insurance) in 2000, my decision wasn't made until 2005, when both my weight had reached its peak and my health coverage had vested!

My pre-op process in 2005 was quick! I had my informational appointment at the surgeons office and did all of the pre-op appointments in March, was approved by April, and in the hospital getting surgery in May.

Feel free to ask me questions by emailing me at jemwelsh at gmail dot com. If you are interested in the "trivia" version of my life, go to my 100 things page.

100 Things

Here goes:

1. I'm 28 29 (and almost 30!).
2. I'm a Leo.
3. I was born in the Chinese year of the dragon.
   
4. I went to law school.
5. And pass the NY bar. the first time.
6. And still (2.5 years later) haven't gone to get sworn in.
7. I'm not practicing law now anyway.
8. I love my job.
9. I'm a workaholic.
10. I have one cat, but live with two.
11. I live alone (other than the cats, I mean).
12. I have 3 siblings - a younger brother and his wife, a younger stepbrother, a younger stepsister.
13. I am the oldest of 28 (including me) first cousins. (The youngest, twins, are 2).
14. I grew up in Michigan. The west side. The best side.
15. I now live on the East Coast.
16. But not in NYC. :(
    
17. NYC is my favorite city ever.
18. And the Yankees are my favorite sports team. And any naysayers can suck it.
19. I have an 18 year old son.
    
20. Not really. I call him my son, but I'm really mentoring him. But, he is just like my son.
21. I have a blue star tattooed on my right ankle.
22. My mom disowned me for a week because of it. She still hates it.
    
23. I love it. And I want have another tattoo (it's the Chinese symbol for "dragon").
24. If I got another tattoo (besides the first two), it would be a tribal batman symbol.
    
25. Batman is my favorite superhero.
    
26. I also love hello kitty.
    
27. Actually, I love chococat better than hello kitty.
28. And I also love strawberry shortcake (the character, although the dessert isn't too shabby).
29. I've been to 13 16 countries outside the U.S. (In order of visitation: Canada, Costa Rica, England, Scotland, Netherlands, France, Switzerland, Italy, Czech Republic, Germany, Ireland, Turkey, Mexico, Jamaica, China, and Japan).
30. I wish I've been to Spain, Portugal, Greece, Australia, Cambodia, South Africa, ....
    
31. I've only been to 19 of the US states (In whatever order I remembered them: Michigan (grew up here), Illinois (mom lives here), Indiana, Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee, Georgia (drove through) (stayed in Atlanata for a weekend), Florida (lived here), Pennsylvania, Virginia, North Carolina, Maryland (lived here), Washington D.C. (live here), Delaware (drove through), New Jersey (drove through), New York (love! love!), Texas, Arkansas (drove through), and California.
32. I wish I've been to Seattle, San Francisco, Portland (Oregon), New England, New Mexico, and Arizona.
33. I'll probably end up going to China (did it!) (I'll probably end up in either Greece, Cairo, or Iceland next, because I'm heading back to Turkey this summer and I'll tack on a "bonus country" to the end of that trip) and either California (did it!) or South Dakota (not yet) next. (Actually, I'll probably go to Vegas next, since I'm going there in August to celebrate my 30th birthday).
    
34. I won't stop traveling until I've seen it all.
    
35. I love chapstick.
36. And gum.
37. And office supplies.
38. And green eyes.
39. And biting. reaow!
40. My favorite band of all time is Weezer.
41. Right now, though, I am loving My Chemical Romance and Ludacris (and Cold Play and Kanye West).
42. I love to read. My favorite books include:
43. Walden Two by BF Skinner
44. Welcome to the Monkey House by Kurt Vonnegut
45. Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson
46. The Truth Machine by James Halperin
    
47. The Time Wars series by Simon Hawke
48. The Harry Potter series by JK Rowling
49. The Artemis Fowl series by Eoin Colfer
50. Good to Great by Jim Collins
    
51. The book I recently read that I really like is "A Hope in the Unseen" by Ron Suskind. I recently read and enjoyed Jennifer Government by Max Barry.
    
52. Also, I own a copy of almost (like missing two or three) every book ever written by Nora Roberts.
53. And I'm more than a little ashamed by that fact.
    
54. Nora Roberts is an excellent writer, though!
55. I lurve technology.
56. I am obsessed with my laptop, iPod, digit camera, and blackberry Treo 650. I brought my laptop on my cruise vacation.
    
57. And I used it!!
58. I HATE reality shows.
59. Excluding Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (EMHE). That show makes me cry every time.
    
60. I never have time to watch TV, but I used to make time for EMHE and Alias (Now I watch Alias on DVD--I have seasons 1-4!). If I catch them, I also like Joan of Arcadia and Grey's Anatomy and House and CSI and Without a Trace and Numbers.
61. I have a GI Jane/Spy/Superhero fantasy thing.
62. I almost went into medicine.
63. I still think about going to med school, and would go if I were ever idly rich.
64. I really like the Cadillac Escalade. A lot.
65. But I drive a 1995 Dodge Minivan on it's last legs. I don't own a car anymore.
66. I've paid more in parking tickets than my car is was worth. In fact, they impounded it for $1,100 dollars in tickets, which was more than the Blue Book value on it, so I let them keep it.
    
67. How come these lists are so much shorter when you are reading them?
68. I don't believe in mono (the illness).
69. If I could have any super power, I would want to stop time, like Edie from "Out of This World."
70. Until I visited Germany and saw the reruns (proof!), my friends were convinced I hallucinated the cartoon "Kidd Video."
    
71. MacGyver is one of my role models.
72. I spent a year building houses for Habitat for Humanity.
73. I hate it when people try to put a woman in her place.
74. I dislike flowers and abhor chivalry (please, please, don't open the door for me--I can handle it myself!)
75. I rather be a vegetarian, but am too lazy and easy-going to completely cut meat from my diet. (And now, protein is a requirement of my diet, so being a vegie is out.)
    
76. I'd love to be a Jeopardy contestant, but I'd probably make more money on Wheel of Fortune (or Deal/No Deal!).
77. I've written a multi-page plan just in case I win the lottery.
78. In my family, I'm closer to my Dad, but I talk more to my Mom.
79. My parents are divorced.
80. Thank god! Both of their lives are so much better now.
81. I was a "mistake." unplanned.
    
82. My parents both loved me so much right from the beginning that it has never bothered me.
83. When I was younger, I wished I was a twin. I secretly hoped my twin (who had red hair and green eyes, but still looked like me) was separated from me at birth.
84. I hated dolls growing up and never owned a Barbie.
85. I had one doll that I cared about when I was very young. Her name was Banchum. The name made perfect sense at the time.
86. I now have a cat named Bantam. This has nothing to do with Banchum. Bantam is an anagram. (you figure it out!)
87. I am a night owl.
88. My favorite color is blue.
89. I hate the smell of vanilla.
90. I almost never wear makeup, but I love buying it. Especially lip gloss.
91. Mexican food (American Mexican) is a gift from god. Especially burritos.
92. My favorite beer is Guinness.
93. I used to smoke. I quit for seven years. Then I started again. I've quit again.
    
94. I'm skeptical of doctors but open to astrology.
95. I wish Meijer was everywhere!
96. I dislike crying. I almost never cry at real life, but cry at the drop of a hat for television shows or movies.
97. I think Val Kilmer was the best Batman/Bruce Wayne combo. I don't care what you think. Oh! Now this one is hard, because Christian Bale did such a good job in Batman Begins.
    
98. I only watch action movies, comedies, or chick flicks. I really dislike "dramas," historical films, artsy films, and hate horror movies.
99. I'm a scrabble beast. I challenge you!
100. I'm part Italian, part African American, and mostly mutt.
101. And thank god this list is done!
     

Before & After Photos

Before/After (Full Body):

Cruise, October 2004, 310 lbs; 9 Months Out, February 2006, 199 lbs


Cruise, October 2004, 310 lbs; Size 14 Dress, March 2006, 194 lbs


Before/After (Face):

May 2006, 326+ lbs February 2006, 199 lbs