After 67 pounds lost, it finally happened! One of my coworkers noticed my weight loss & SAID something to me about it! Yeah! My best friend from law school is moving back into the city this weekend--I saw her last night for the first time since June and she was *shocked*! She said that my face looks so much different now. I'm wearing the capris and pants I bought at Macy's last month, and probably have just a few more pounds to go before I'll feel comfortable wearing the cute jean skirt I bought at the same time (it's a 20). Today I weighed in at 259--It's been 6 years or more since I've been in the 250's! Yesterday, I did a 3.5 mile bike ride in about 45 minutes and felt great. I can't wait for the pounds to continue coming off! There's a good chance I may be going to China next month--whoo-hoo!

"Nothing is too wonderful to be true."

I've officially graduated from "Morbidly" to "Severly" obese! In fact, as of today, I wouldn't qualify for this surgery! :) It's weird--it took me 25 days to lose 10 pounds from -50 to -60, but I've dropped 6.5 pounds in the past week.

In other news, I dropped off my "son" at college on Friday. I've spent the last few days one moment away from tears--I am so proud of him and I know what a good experience it will be, but at the same time--wah! I don't want him to be so far away! I've already heard from him and he is having fun and making friends already, which is great! Let's just hope he remembers he is there to GO TO SCHOOL! :)

Oh, I got measured today at Curves and I've lost 26 inches, and I started getting measured about 6 weeks after surgery when I was 30 pounds heavier! It's amazing how much my life has changed in the last three months--I've gone from being so miserable in my own skin, legs always swelling and out of breath--to being almost militant about making my exercise classes for the day and saying NO to all sweets (including birthday cake!)

I DID IT! It's three months exactly from my surgery day and I have lost 61.5 pounds, with only 100 to go! That's 38% of my excess body weight in three months! This is the most weight I've EVER lost on any "diet." And, tomorrow is my birthday!! Yippee!!

And just like that, 2.5 pounds dropped off in 2 days! Only 1 pound away from my birthday goal of 265! Last night and this morning, I re-reorganized my closet (I did a big "clean sweep" in May the week I was off for my surgery). I had put all my "too small" clothes in boxes above my closet rod. After trying on literally every item of clothing in the closet (boxes and all), I have a whole slew of new clothes! I even (over)filled a box with clothes that are too big and need to be given away lest I wear them until they ACTUALLY fall off! And while it definitely helped that my scaled budged and my warddrobe just got bigger, I think it was all the extra sleep I got that really helped! I got about 11 hours on Friday night and then I went to bed at 9pm until about 6:30am! I guess I really needed the sleep. Even as I little girl, I resisted going to bed, because I just didn't want to miss out on anything! I still feel that way, but, whoo-eee, does feeling rested sure feel good. Especially when the temps get topping 100 degrees 'round here! Have a happy Sunday, ya'll!

It's 4 days before my birthday, 3 days before my 3 month anniversary and today was my 3 month post op doctor's appointment. This has been a crazy week--too much work (I slept at my office 3 nights this week!) and too little exercise/eating. I'm also broke right now. And my hair started failing out this week. Just so I can get the whole pity party out in one paragraph, I've been stuck at the same weight for a week now. Yeah me! :(

My doctor's appointment--he scheduled me for lab work, I need to do that next week--I'm very interested to see how that comes out. I've felt a little lightheaded last week and this and I'm borderline anemic, so I wonder if my iron counts are low. I've been really good about getting my vitamins in, so I hope everything looks good.

In the past 81 days, I've lost 58 pounds (both on my and the doctor's scale...I was hoping that there would be some magical lower number on his scale than there was on mine three hours before the appointment--no such luck!). That's .71 pounds a day or about 5 pounds a week. I know I shouldn't be complaining about that--and I AM really happy. I just want to keep seeing the weight come off, you know?

It's like there is a part of me, of my brain, that does NOT believe that this is actually happening or that it is going to work. I've lost weight before, just to regain it. It's like my brain refuses to acknowledge that I'm doing really good and am right on target (doctor's words) because than it doesn't have to acknowledge that HUGE fear of FAILURE...especially failure of something so drastic, so permanent, and with one of the highest success rates. The only thing I can really compare this feeling to is when I took the bar exam. I took the NY bar, which is one of the two notorously tough bar exams in the country (CA is the other, in case you wondered). I was working part time and studying, unlike all my other fellow Georgetown grads, so I knew I was never getting enough studying in. Even though Georgetown grads had a 90% pass rate on the exam, that just made me feel worse--what if I was one of the unlucky 10%? I would feel doubly stupid--one for failing, and two for failing where so many others succeeded. (I passed, btw). That's exactly how I feel now--I read the May 2005 Boards and see people who weighed the same as me or less losing more in the same amount of time. My doctor said if you don't like what the scale says, STOP LOOKING AT THE SCALE. Maybe part of this food addiction process is this convoluted agony of self-loathing that goes with losing weight, only to regain.

There is also this whole other part of me that sees how far I've come--every time I try to find something to wear in my closet and see that a pair of pants or a shirt has gone Goldilocks style from "can't wear--too tight" to "can wear" to "can't wear--too loose" in a matter of weeks. I purposefully didn't tell my coworkers (I work in a 10 person small business--we are always in each others personal lives). I went on "vacation" for a week and came back like nothing ever happened, except now my eating habits have changed. My boss and other coworkers are health-conscious also, so I don't look so conspicuous ordering a small salad or packing my lunch--the office manager (the only other woman besides me in the office) noticed right away that I was eating "healthy." But NO ONE has said ANYTHING to me about my weight loss. I mean I've lost almost 60 pounds, for pete's sake! C'mon--can't you say SOMETHING? Even something like that's a nice outfit or whatever. At the same time, I've fostered this environment, right? I mean weight was a non-topic before--no one dared mention it. I didn't tell them about the surgery so I wouldn't have to deal with being under the microscope all day long. But, when I get exactly what I've asked for (weight anonymity), I am upset. Is that so typically female or what?!

Just so I don't forget, my doctor recommended upping my protein (from 60g) to 70-80g. He said that would not only slow the hair loss, but I am probably not getting enough protein in considering my activity level (3-4x at curves, biking to work). He also suggested I take biotin, a supplement that helps hair roots (or something--I've heard people on the boards talk about biotin, so I just sort of nodded along as he said this). Otherwise, he thinks I'm doing great. His goal is 3-5 pounds a week for the first 6 months (72-120 lbs lost). Right now, I'm on track to make have lost at least 100 by November, which would rock!! I really want to be in Onederland before New Years!

Ultimately, I know I just need to keep chugging along doing what I'm doing already and the weight will begin to slide off again. I really wanted to reach 265 by my birthday (so I'd have 100 pounds to go to my goal weight). That's 3.5 pounds I need to lose in 4 days. Actually, it's not totally unrealistic...I guess I'll keep working at it, huh?

At 270!

I am not a morning person and I wasn't a breakfast person, but this has been just another instance of "Old Jem" vs. "New Jem". Old Jem would stay up as late as possible the night before watching tv or surfing the 'net until 2,3,4 am. Then wake up (tired) as late as possible and still be able to roll into work by 10-10:30am. I took less time to get ready in the morning, because I was already fat and ugly, so why bother, right?

A few weeks before surgery, I cut off my cable and internet at home. Now, I go home, eat dinner, read a book, do crafts, or talk to friends and then get to bed by 11 or 12pm. So I wake up at 8-8:30 RESTED and ready to go. I've taken a lot more care with my clothes--making sure they are pressed and clean and coordinated. I always wear jewelry now. I take time to blow dry my hair and style it, and sometimes even put on makeup (although I'm still not a makeuppy person). I also take time everyone to sit down, take my vitamins, eat breakfast, and write in my journal.

I guess my philosophy with WLS was (and is) if I am going to take this big of a step, I'm going to take NOTHING of my "old" personality for granted. I questioned everything I did during the day, asking myself if it was helping my health, making me happy, or improving my life. As a result, a lot has changed, but I am SO MUCH HAPPIER!! (And lighter, too, for that matter!)

That's what works for me, but your mileage may vary.

I can't believe I'm down 55+ pounds! My goal was to be at 265 by my three month, and I think I'm going to get there early! Ultimately, I want to be in Onederland by New Years, and I think that I am well on my way! The exercise really helps--I go to Curves 4 times a week and bike to work at least 4 times a week. This morning, I pulled on a pair of skorts I haven't worn since WW of '02! At this rate, it's going to be all new clothes for the fall!

I'm back from a good visit with my family. I didn't exercise all weekend, which I discovered that I missed! So much so, in fact, that I walked home from work last night at 11pm. I also didn't weigh myself for those days, which wasn't my favorite, even when I got on this morning and found two more pounds missing (for good-I'm not looking for them!).

Actually, I have two scales in my bathroom. One is a digital WW approved scale with body fat analysis. It only reads up to 308 lbs--which, as you can see from my ticker, I outweighed at the beginning of this journey. Now, even with a battery change, it is typically 10 pounds LIGHTER than reality, so I don't use it. (Because nothing sucks worse than to be told that you are 10 pounds heavier than you thought by the Doctor!) The other one is a heavy-duty non-digital that goes to 350. I really like this one, for the most part. It's just finnicky. For instance, moving the scale a few inches away from the wall can change your weight by a pound or two. Putting your feet towards the top of the scale makes you heavier than putting your feet near the center or bottom of the scale. And, the scale rarely starts at "0" day to day. I always micro-adjust the dial back to "0" from a little over or under, depending on the day (and maybe the humidity?).

As a result, I've become slightly OCD about the whole scale thing. I pull it out from the wall, then micro-adjust. Then get on the scale, centering my feet. Take a reading. Step off. Step back on. Re-read. Step off. Step on, but higher up. Read. Step off. Step back on. Repeat, 2-10 times. Take an average of the 27 readings (skewing towards the conservative side, because I Do. Not. Want. to show a Gain. EVER. AGAIN!)

So, I wondered if being home for the first time post-op would be weird. And, it was a bit. First, I fought more urges to blindly eat then I ever have at home. I wonder if that's some sort of survival instinct that kicks in around family?

CUT TO: Jem's Brain [70's looking computer geek-out tech center--long wall of blinking lights and whirring do-dads with a Jem avatar manning the station]

Jem's Brain [Tinny Computer Voice + Blinking Lights]: You are in proximity to parental units and other hematoligically-related human species. Please insert twinkie now.

Jem Avatar: You can't eat a twinkie. You'll puke. Plus, you aren't even hungry. Chill.

Jem's Brain: Whatever. Don't tell me to chill. I know when I need a twinkie and I need one--hey are those oreos? Your brother is eating oreos for breakfast?

Jem Avatar: Now, that. Is effed up.

Jem (Aloud): Ty, seriously! No oreos for breakfast, man. Try some cereal.

Jem's Stepmom: As long as he's eating, I don't complain!

Ty: Yeah, so there. But I guess I'll eat a slice of pizza first.

Jem's Brain: Overload! Overload! Pizza and Oreos for breakfast! Abort! Abort! Take your soy sausage and get out of there!

Jem's Avatar: Seriously! And, the sick thing is that Ty (author aside: he's fourteen) is a little runt who wishes he could GAIN some weight. And stop acting like a victim. You LOVE soy sausage.

Jem's Brain: Not compared to cold pizza and oreos!

Jem's Avatar: We're not having this conversation. Let's go bug (still sleeping ten-year-old sister) Ryn.

END SCENE

And so it went, all weekend long. Me seeing what "Old Jem" would have ate, me watching others eat like "Old Jem" and me having stupid internal discussions about why I am happier (and I AM!) not eating them, even if for a moment it seems unfair and silly and Lame.

Wait, does anyone else feel Lame for their daily food choices? I do. I feel like my superhero secret adventure card is going to get swiped any minute for all this continiously pious eating behavior. (No thanks, I'll just have water; Oh, I can't eat s'mores, sorry; It's a nice cake, but I'd rather have the cucumber slices). And the no alcohol thing. I mean, can we post-ops get some street cred here or what? I guess I'm just going to have to start pretending that all my vitamins are illicit drugs so at least I can be the girl who's always popping pills. Or Something!