It's 4 days before my birthday, 3 days before my 3 month anniversary and today was my 3 month post op doctor's appointment. This has been a crazy week--too much work (I slept at my office 3 nights this week!) and too little exercise/eating. I'm also broke right now. And my hair started failing out this week. Just so I can get the whole pity party out in one paragraph, I've been stuck at the same weight for a week now. Yeah me! :(

My doctor's appointment--he scheduled me for lab work, I need to do that next week--I'm very interested to see how that comes out. I've felt a little lightheaded last week and this and I'm borderline anemic, so I wonder if my iron counts are low. I've been really good about getting my vitamins in, so I hope everything looks good.

In the past 81 days, I've lost 58 pounds (both on my and the doctor's scale...I was hoping that there would be some magical lower number on his scale than there was on mine three hours before the appointment--no such luck!). That's .71 pounds a day or about 5 pounds a week. I know I shouldn't be complaining about that--and I AM really happy. I just want to keep seeing the weight come off, you know?

It's like there is a part of me, of my brain, that does NOT believe that this is actually happening or that it is going to work. I've lost weight before, just to regain it. It's like my brain refuses to acknowledge that I'm doing really good and am right on target (doctor's words) because than it doesn't have to acknowledge that HUGE fear of FAILURE...especially failure of something so drastic, so permanent, and with one of the highest success rates. The only thing I can really compare this feeling to is when I took the bar exam. I took the NY bar, which is one of the two notorously tough bar exams in the country (CA is the other, in case you wondered). I was working part time and studying, unlike all my other fellow Georgetown grads, so I knew I was never getting enough studying in. Even though Georgetown grads had a 90% pass rate on the exam, that just made me feel worse--what if I was one of the unlucky 10%? I would feel doubly stupid--one for failing, and two for failing where so many others succeeded. (I passed, btw). That's exactly how I feel now--I read the May 2005 Boards and see people who weighed the same as me or less losing more in the same amount of time. My doctor said if you don't like what the scale says, STOP LOOKING AT THE SCALE. Maybe part of this food addiction process is this convoluted agony of self-loathing that goes with losing weight, only to regain.

There is also this whole other part of me that sees how far I've come--every time I try to find something to wear in my closet and see that a pair of pants or a shirt has gone Goldilocks style from "can't wear--too tight" to "can wear" to "can't wear--too loose" in a matter of weeks. I purposefully didn't tell my coworkers (I work in a 10 person small business--we are always in each others personal lives). I went on "vacation" for a week and came back like nothing ever happened, except now my eating habits have changed. My boss and other coworkers are health-conscious also, so I don't look so conspicuous ordering a small salad or packing my lunch--the office manager (the only other woman besides me in the office) noticed right away that I was eating "healthy." But NO ONE has said ANYTHING to me about my weight loss. I mean I've lost almost 60 pounds, for pete's sake! C'mon--can't you say SOMETHING? Even something like that's a nice outfit or whatever. At the same time, I've fostered this environment, right? I mean weight was a non-topic before--no one dared mention it. I didn't tell them about the surgery so I wouldn't have to deal with being under the microscope all day long. But, when I get exactly what I've asked for (weight anonymity), I am upset. Is that so typically female or what?!

Just so I don't forget, my doctor recommended upping my protein (from 60g) to 70-80g. He said that would not only slow the hair loss, but I am probably not getting enough protein in considering my activity level (3-4x at curves, biking to work). He also suggested I take biotin, a supplement that helps hair roots (or something--I've heard people on the boards talk about biotin, so I just sort of nodded along as he said this). Otherwise, he thinks I'm doing great. His goal is 3-5 pounds a week for the first 6 months (72-120 lbs lost). Right now, I'm on track to make have lost at least 100 by November, which would rock!! I really want to be in Onederland before New Years!

Ultimately, I know I just need to keep chugging along doing what I'm doing already and the weight will begin to slide off again. I really wanted to reach 265 by my birthday (so I'd have 100 pounds to go to my goal weight). That's 3.5 pounds I need to lose in 4 days. Actually, it's not totally unrealistic...I guess I'll keep working at it, huh?