Happy Halloween!

I'm still 3-4 pounds from my -100 goal, but I'm trying not to fret about it.

My coworkers, Drake, Matt and I at our Halloween Party

My Scooby Doo Posse: Fred, Daphne and Velma!

The cutest pumpkin ever! Hello Kitty!!

Today is my 5th anniversary and I weigh NINETY-FIVE pounds less than I did 154 days ago. I have to keep deleting this sentence because I am so tempted to caveat this loss with "and still more to go" or some such nonsense, but the thing is, I've lost 95 freaking pounds, and that kind of weight loss should just stand alone.

95 pounds ago, I was miserable every single day. I had a hard time finding things to fit my expansive body. My legs would get so swollen by the end of the day just from sitting. I couldn't reach around and wipe my own byu-tocks (family pronunciation) without grabbing the hand rails or the wall or something to brace myself. Walking for any amount of time left me breathless and made my feet ache. Mostly, I was embarrassed to just be. Just BEING was embarrassing, so doing day to day activities could be mortifying.

154 days later, I wake up happy for the morning. I still have a hard time finding things that fit--but only because the sizes in my closet don't go much past 22-24, and I'm an 18-20 now. My legs don't get swollen, but sometimes my calves are tight--from all the walking and exercising I do all day long. Wiping doesn't require calisthenics. I now VOLUNTARILY walk 1.5 miles to work each day because it feels good and because I want to fit in another little bit of exercise into my day whenever I can. I'm not embarrassed now--I feel cute and even a little sex-ay some days.

I spent the weekend getting (more) new clothes to replace the ones I've shrunk out of in the last two months. In plus sizes, I'm a solid 18/20 top, or 1X and a 20W bottom (I started at bursting 26/28s and a few 30/32's). In REGULAR sizes, I can wear a lot of XXL tops or stretch pants. I can't yet fit into regular bottoms sizes, but it's only a matter of time! I can wear men's XL clothing with no problem. I've gone from a size 13! underwear to a size 8. Even my shoe size has dropped from a 10W to a 9 or 9.5 regular. I've had to replace my watch and rearrange what rings get worn where. I have a 16" necklace now that isn't a lesson on asphyxiation.

I haven't started dating, but I've started the process (I'm signed up on several online dating sites and have friends looking for me). I'm really freaked out by the idea of dating, so I'm pretty happy that things are going slow on this front! :)

Let's talk food for a minute here. Before WLS, I was a picky mostly vegetarian who subsisted on chocolate, ice cream, burritos, and deep-fried whatever. I refused to touch chicken. I was the very definition of a carb loader (cookies, chips, pasta, pizza, bread....)

Now, I start the day with water and 4 vitamins (multi, B12, Biotin, and Cod Liver Oil). For breakfast, I have either a soy patty and a 1 oz piece of cheese or a protein bar. For lunch, I have deli meat with a slice of cheese (LF) on a LF tortilla with mustard, or a chicken caesar salad (no dressing, add tomatoes & cucumbers) and a calcium pill. For a snack, I usually have a protein bar (I get hungry around 4-6pm, and I am normally working until 8-9pm, so this bar is a life saver). For dinner, I have beans/rice, or a South Beach dinner, or something similar. I take a multi before bed and that's it. I drink either water or iced/hot tea all day long...usually 30-60oz a day. I easily get 60g of protein in a day--today, for example, I got in 90g.

I don't tolerate sugar *at all* so, I steer clear of what used to be my biggest diet downfall--ice cream and chocolate (although I do get some chocolate in my protein bar). High fat foods also make me queasy, so I limit my intake (but sometimes I test that limit with cheesy foods).

I am a FIXTURE at the gym. The closers at my curves expect me to come in practically every day (and I try to oblige!). At my last monthly weigh in, I'd posted a total loss of -40.75 inches (and their highest weight for me is 20-30 pounds less than my all time high). The gym owner had to make a new wall category for me--the -40 inch star. Other members ask ME what my *secret* is (which feels CRAZY, by the way, because the folks who ask me underweigh me by at least 50 pounds....I feel like telling them don't become morbidly obese in the first place and then you won't even need my *secret*).

I'm now the quirky office person who is "so healthy they make me sick." I routinely refuse cake/cookies/halloween candy/pizza/donuts (you would too if they made you puke!). I leave the office by 7:15pm every day to run to the gym (even if I have to come right back in afterwords). I run down the hall to grab this or that or to speak to a colleague (I used to think that was what email/msn/intercoms/employees were for).

I can't wait for people who haven't seen me in a while to see me again. I wish my 10 year high school reunion was this year, instead of last year (I didn't go, duh). I can't WAIT for Christmas--my families (close and extended) will be shocked. Actually, what I can't wait for is to see the Chairman of our Board of Directors. He's a Turkish man who speaks little English (he has an interpreter). Being Turkish, and in charge, and blunter than necessary, he chided me when I was first hired about my weight and even told me to "loose some weight for next time" he saw me. He's coming for a visit to our office in January and I cannot be happier to have him say something bluntly *flattering* for once!!

It's my goal to be at -100 by Halloween (and since that it -5 in a week, my *alternate* goal is to be at -100 by November 3rd, when my best friend comes to town). It's my goal to be at 215 by Thanksgiving (17 pounds from now in a month's time) and to be at 199 by New Years (33 pounds from now in two month's time). I know that these are aggressive goals, given that my weight loss will (and has) begun to slow down a bit more. I want to push myself to be aggressive in my eating (questioning my food choices--doing the best thing, not the easiest thing) and aggressive in my exercise (bump up my exercise to a mandatory 4x a week instead of 3x,) and keep finding ways to work in a work out (I like the sound of that) on weekends, and just keep busy during the day.

Just to put myself out there for next year too--I'd like to be at 180 by Valentines Day (2/20) or my 9 month anniversary (2/24). That's another 50 pound drop in the next 4 months.

I want to have the final 25 pounds gone by my 1 year anniversary (5/24/06). That will mean 67 more pounds gone in the next 7 months, which seems totally doable!

And, finally, I want to spend my 30th birthday AT GOAL (or below) with my boyfriend (who, although currently unnamed, is purported to be a tall, intelligent, muscle-y hunk who adores me) in Australia. Which means I have 9.5 months to lose 67 pounds, find a hunky boyfriend, and book tickets to Sydney. I know you'll send good karma my way! :)

Happy Anniversary to Moi.

On the left, 327+, May 2005. On the right, 235-, October 2005.

On the left, 270, August 2005. On the right, 235, October 2005.

I took this pic today--and it really hit me--WOW. I've never seen myself in an outfit with a smooth tummy line--there's ALWAYS been stomach fat bulging out of my shirt. Believe me, the fat roll is still there, but now, apparantly it's small enough that my clothes camoflage it! whoo-hoo!

On the May Boards, we did a weight loss roll call. Since I have been feeling so down about my loss (especially when compared to that stupid weight loss tracker they have on this site-rrrr!), I thought I'd add up all the losses and how many days out everyone was and see what the average was for the May Board. Well, with 26 people participating, the average loss was 86 pounds in 155 days. I'm 145 days out and at 91 pounds! In fact, I had the third highest loss per day (.63lbs/day) and the 6th highest weight loss (-91). Well, that certainly cheered me up!

9 pounds to go and 16 days left to meet my Halloween goal of -100. I'm a week away from my 5 month anniversary--it seems like it's been so much longer than that. It's really hard to believe ONLY five months have passed since I've had surgery.

I decided not to go home (to family) for Thanksgiving this year. One--the cost/hassle of going home is pretty high, I wouldn't get to spend a lot of time at home, and with divorced parents, rushing from one side of the family to the other (and fairly so I don't favor one parent over the other) is just a lot to do in a weekend. Second, I really want to have a big "reveal." I haven't told anyone on my mom's side of the family (except for my Mom/Stepdad) that I've had surgery or have lost weight. They are going to be shocked when they see me at Christmas--I hope fitting into a size 16 cute outfit. My dad's side of the family is much smaller and word got out (thanks dad, for keeping your mouth shut, huh?) rather quickly, but they will still be pretty surprised as they last saw me in August, when I was only down 50 pounds.

I've been struggling with a small plateau, but I think it's finally broken--I got my period on Friday and my weight immediately dropped 2 pounds.

Yesterday, my friend and I met and went to her gym, which was nice, and a good change of pace from Curves. We spent a half hour on the elliptical (a crazy new one that makes you feel like you are marching almost on the high hill interval), then spent another half hour lifting--we did bicep, tricep, shoulder, and abs. I'm a little sore in the arms from that, but my legs recovered well from the elliptical. Yesterday, I also walked to work and home-- about 2.5 miles total.

My friend asked me yesterday what was the biggest change I've noticed (other than weight loss) because of my surgery. I said that she should've asked me what stayed the same after surgery, because I've changed so much! I used to think I was lazy--sitting on my butt all day, looking for ways to avoid getting up and moving. Now, I just get and go all the time. I would NEVER have walked to work before surgery--not when there was a bus to take me home. Now, I walk just because it makes me feel better about my day and it's just a good transition from home to work--clears your head.

It's tough to think that I've already lost over 90 pounds, but still have 70 more to go to hit my goal weight...I just wonder to myself--how did I ever allow myself to get that big? What's happened has happened, and now I can only strive to continue to push towards my goal and make it happen.

My best friend is coming to town in about 25 days--she's two inches taller than me and has put on a bit of weight since her wedding--she confessed to weighing an all-time high of 210 last time we talked. Now, I now I won't be able to lose 25 pounds in the next 25 days, but I bet I'm going to be darn close to her weight by the time she sees me--I wonder what she's going to say to that?

I've noticed that a lot of my friends/family have three distinct emotions about my weight loss--they are happy for me, because they know how long and hard I've struggled with my weight; they are jealous of me, because they can't believe how quickly I'm changing; and they are mad/angry at themselves for not having the "willpower" or stick-to-it-iveness to lose their own excess weight. It's interesting to watch the emotional tug-of-war.

My dad is going in for his first informational session with a surgeon in his area tomorrow. He's thought about it on and off, since I mentioned surgery first to him several years ago, but I think seeing the results first hand has given him the extra shove he needed to make a committment. He's also getting older and starting to experience some of the problems of being overweight--high blood pressure, high cholesteral, sleep apnea, etc. And his father is struggling even more with all those, plus heart issues and diabetes...and I think my dad just KNOWS he doesn't want to be in his father's footsteps in 20 years. It's weird--but I am more nervous about my dad getting surgery than I was about me getting it--I would feel so awful and guilty and the undescribable horror if something went wrong during his surgery. I've encouraged him to listen to the doctor and make his OWN decision, not just follow me. But, I think I will be praying to any higher power that will listen to me that he makes it through ok.

I need to get some work done before Monday rolls around, so I'm going to sign off for now.

I'm going through another little bit of stagnation this past couple of weeks. Since I got back from China, I've only lost 2 pounds. Tomorrow is my five month anniversary and I've lost 87.5 pounds. Which is fan-fricking-tastic, believe me. But, because I'm trying to hit the century club mark by Halloween, I had hoped that the weight would be coming off quicker than this now. I have 22 days left to lose 12.5 pounds and meet my goal. I've been out to dinner several times this past week, which I know has contributed to the slow progress.

The biggest problem, I think, is that I haven't been pushing myself. I've haven't been writing in my food diary, I've been exercising at my regular pace instead of pushing myself...all things that need to change if I want the weight keep dropping at a steady pace.

A couple of good things have happened this past week or two, though. First, I've been really proud of my non-exercise related "get up and move" decisions. On Wednesday, for example, I went out to dinner with one of my friends. We scheduled dinner for 8pm so I could hit the gym first and she could finish up at work. I ended up taking a phone call at work that lasted longer than I thought and I knew I wouldn't be able to get to the gym, workout, change, and meet my friend in time. Now the old me would have (happily) skipped the workout and blamed work for the lost workout. Instead, I decided to walk to the restaurant and meet my friend. I figured it was about a mile away (I live in DC, where walking from the office to a local restaurant is possible--I know everyone doesn't have this luxury). It took me about a half hour and because I was wearing dressy flip flops that day, my feet were killing me, but I did it! Yesterday, I looked up the mileage for my walk--and it was TWO miles! Wowza!

Second, I've been a non-dater (see: spinster) for YEARS because I've hated how I looked. I couldn't imagine dating someone who would really like me when I looked, well, you can see the picture below, right? In fact, I'm always astounded when I see fat women who are actively dating or married--and some even with regular-sized men. I mean, who are these women? How do they get those guys? If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, I was from Uranus, with my head firmly up my a$$ when it came to dating.

Last weekend, I signed up for eHarmony. I've signed up before and promptly freaked out and cancelled my membership when they GASP *sent me a match!* I mean, why would they do that??? Are they crazy? This past week, I've had over 20 matches from all over the United States. Nothing has turned into True Love AlwaysTM, but it's been a week. I'm committed to being active on the site--communicating with my matches and seeing where it goes. I'm still a little (read: VERY) nervous about the eventual phone conversations and first dates, but I've got to start somewhere, right?

I'm also FORCING myself not to automatically close matches who I feel are "out of my league." I was talking to a friend (and fellow single) last night and she said I needed to repeat to myself every night that "I am a prize" until I get it into my head that there are plently of guys who would be happy to have a partner like me. I just wish there was some way to add a disclaimer to my profile and say something like, "Get me now while the getting's good, because in a few more months, I am going to be a REAL hottie!!"

In other news, my Curves did a fundraiser for Susan G. Komen foundation where Nordstrom's donated $2 for every Curves member who got a bra fitting from the Nordstrom's bra fitters and $2 for every bra purchased. At my highest weight, I was wearing 48D bras with extenders. Since I've been losing weight, I've worked my way down until my 44C and 42C bras--in fact, a few days before this fitting, I'd just went to Kmart and purchased two cheapy 44C bras.

Did I ever get a shock when the fitter measured me---she said I was a 40DD! This was totally ridiculus on TWO fronts (ha! fronts!) First, I can't even remember wearing such a small band size--I've been a 42+ since high school. A 40? And she said as I lose a few more pounds, I should fit into a 38DD---I don't think I saw 30's bands EVER. Even in a training bra (actually, I just can't remember that far back...). But the other thing, a DD? I mean, I know that I have big boobs, but not DD big. When I think DD, I think about those women who are all boob from neck to waist--it's just boob. To me, A is small, B is medium, C is large, D is extra large, and DD is gargantuan! I just couldn't believe it when the 40DD bra she brought back for me to try on FIT.

I tried to commisserate with all my girlfriends about the DD thing, but they all were like, "Duh. You have big boobs, girl!" Apparantly, they all knew about my DD ta-tas and didn't feel like mentioning this to me. I still don't know how to feel about DD--I'm sorta hoping that the continued weight loss will allow me to be back in my bra-comfort zone--C cups.

Finally, for the neurotic me, a few tickers:

This is my 100 pound ticker--just 12.5 pounds away from -100, which I hope to hit by Halloween.

This is my Onederland ticker--I'm just 40 pounds away from Onederland. My original goal was to hit wonderland by January 1, 2006, but I may have to adjust that to early December (my seven month anniversary is December 5th) if I'm still losing at this rate.

This is my "goal" weight. I picked 165, because it is the top weight for my height in the normal BMI category. I'd like to hit this by my one year anniversary--May 24, 2006. I know going from Onederland to goal is going to be the hardest, but I have a few tricks up my sleeves for that 35 pounds. (Once I hit onederland, I'm going to switch from Curves to a gym and get a few personal training sessions to help me--I think also the increased variety of machines, longer hours, and class offerings will shake up my exercise routine and help kick-start weight loss. My good friend has lost 60 pounds on WW and rejoins every time she starts creeping back up the scale--I may join WW with her as a way to be more methodical about weighing, watching my portions, snacking, and caloric intake).

This is my other "goal" weight. It's just a nice, round number and puts me at 23 BMI. I have now idea if this is even realistic, so I'm not really even trying to get here yet. I will just see where I am at my anniversary, and my 30th birthday in August, and go from there. Mostly, I just want to be healthy, fit, and toned, regardless of the number.